What’s my worth?

brown_paper

When at Rise and Shine Women’s Retreat we were asked to sit quietly with the Lord during a song and ask the Lord what He wanted to deal with in our lives. Then we were to write it on a little brown piece of paper and bring it crumpled, to the front of the room and leave it on the floor. Time to let go… I thought I knew what the Lord was going to say to me because I had recently been dealing with a few things, but to my surprise He went straight for the root of many of my issues. Why would He deal with the symptoms when He could rip out the root, right?

WORTH

It’s the reason for my insecurity, my anxiety, my fear of inadequacy, what stops me from trying something out of my comfort zone….

WORTH

I don’t tell my story very often but it haunts me. Not that I think about it all the time but the habits that I formed as a child and into my teen age years still happen at my core level and at some deep inner place, where I believe the enemies lies about me.

This core level would be what our speaker Susie Larson spoke of when she said:

“Our body and mind is amazingly made by God. If we do something over and over and over, our body starts to pave the road for us to continue and if we continue that same direction the body and mind will put up fences and plant flowers along it.”

To me this means – the longer we do something, the deeper the layers there are to deal with because in our minds, heart and body we have created a way of being. Then when we accept God into our lives, He comes to correct us and bring us to a better way. He comes to make all our crooked paths, straight. 

Isaiah 42:16
I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, And crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, And not forsake them.

WORTH

See, I saw many times of rejection as a kid. I got the sense that I was abandoned and alone. I was told a few times that I couldn’t do something because I wasn’t good. I know now that these things are lies of the enemy and have there basis on believing in man and not God, well sadly I grew up without God. I have had to learn how to trust Him. I didn’t trust my parents. They were volatile and unpredictable. They were drug users and alcoholics. They were selfish and godless. By the time I was 10 they divorced. I was told by a relative that my dad was not my real dad when I was 13. That sent me into a tale spin. I had always felt I was not fitted correctly into this family and then the truth was coming out. My real dad opted out of my life. The dad I knew as dad had a DNA test done on me to prove I wasn’t his. And many other things. Can you see my issue….

WORTH

I felt not worth keeping…

not worth loving…

not worth much.

So to counter-act how I felt deep deep down, I set out to PROVE my worth. This does not work out very well….it creates a prison of disappointment, fear, anger and misplace beliefs…and a laundry list of other side effect.

I accepted Christ when I was 19 years old. Over the years the Lord has slowly showed me my sin and errors. He has dealt with me tenderly, patiently, lovingly. Just like a Father should. Proving to me that I can trust Him. That He is not like man. He is GOD. He is LOVE. As I have allowed Him into these areas of my life He has pulled off leaves of this PLANT called WORTH in the center of my garden soul. Teaching me about it. Showing me these troubles and triggers. Showing me what causes me to be “stirred up” and reactive, running for fear or fighting for Self.   At Rise and Shine that day Susie’s message was a Holy Spirit Shovel load. It was time to dig up the tree. Rip it up from the roots.

I released  – Trying to be something that people can love. Trying to be WORTH love.

Scripture:

Romans 5:5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Ephesians 3:17-18 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height, to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

I release the need to be WORTHY.

HE IS WORTHY!

The One who is WORHTY……loves me! I am rooted in this love.

I released…and yet a week and a half later I find I am still doing it. Its that habit Susie was talking about…So what to do? I remind myself of what He told me that day. I have it…because she also had us write a letter to ourselves from God, listen to His voice within.  If I do not do this reminding….well I slip right back into striving….only I noticed I have gotten better at concealing it from myself. But God is good…His promises are true.

Psalm 18:28 
For You will light my lamp;
The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.

It never stays hidden, He always comes to shine a light on my crooked way and call me into His love. I thank God for that!

And I thank the Ladies of Rise and Shine and Susie Larson. That retreat was God breathed for me.

Starla

~Friendships of Love

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