Archive for ‘relationship’

September 24, 2012

guilt controller

I felt angry because they didn’t respond to my request!”
By equating stimulus and cause, we trick ourselves in thinking that other’s behavior is the cause of our anger. This is an easy habit to acquire in a culture that uses guilt as a means of controlling people.

-nvc -Marshal Rosenberg




Have you ever said this to your kids? or spouse?


*FINE! I’m not helping you then!


*You know what? I’m done talking to you!


*Forget it …we are not going anywhere!


Acts 8:22 Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.
July 11, 2012



 From : Messy Church by Ross Parsley

June 26, 2012

what’s it to ya?

1 Peter 2:16

Live as free people, but don’t hide behind your freedom when you do evil. Instead, use your freedom to serve God.

This verse came to mind when I was talking over the subject of loving others with Tina…

oh how selfish we can be sometimes!( how I can be sometimes!)

We were given our freedom so that we can give and love others , not to use that freedom as a license to not give a crap about what other people think or feel. (ever been there??…yeah me too! )

When we decide that what we do , like, and want is more important than if our actions, words and deeds affect others we have moved into a bad place. ( ok seriously I wrote this a week before I had my own I don’t give a crap moment..Disappointed smile)

We begin walking down a road that others likes and dislikes are not to be a consideration to us. It feels like entitlement brat syndrome to me. ( yeah…I was being a brat.. I wanted it to go the way I wanted it to go and NOW! )

It really just boils down to respect!

If you know someone doesn’t eat pork than why would you serve it to them?

If you know someone is trying to quit smoking why would you lite up in front of them like it is no biggy!

Do you think to yourself …what’s it to ya? I can do whatever I want.

Do you think that this is rude behavior?

Probably not since in this generation we think what we do or don’t do is none of other’s business.

I think we should think about that!

When we are so self-serving we will have to walk alone and our strength fails us because we are only strong when we are humbly obedient to Christ and loving to others in our community, homes, churches and lives.

Respect takes on a whole new meaning when you learn to be respectful of others and not just demand a respect of your right .  ( man this is whoopin me! )

WRONG thinking! <— yeah I was there!

Don’t we know respect will just naturally flow when we offer it willingly!

Romans 12:3

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.


Do you believe what you reap is what you will sow?  (  oh I reaped all right!! )

True strength rises up in us when we can let go of our needed to have our own way. We have the right to do what we like but when it comes to other people they will see love by how you care about how you affect them.  

( I was way more concerned about how another was affecting me so I was going to affect them!! <– great attitude I know  I am still sorting out the details of that mess in my own head.. the lies within my own thinking and the deep need to control…I got issues to deal with… but one positive is eventually humility gripped me and drove me right to my knees! )


June 21, 2012


Proverbs 6:16-19 ESV

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.

Recently Tina and I looked up each word in the Fruit of the Spirit. We wanted to look at the opposites of each word also – the antonym. The antonym on LOVE was ABOMINATION. Strong word I would say. I’ve thought of this word  abomination as a word like damnation. But here we can see it is very simple. This word simply means – NOT LOVING! Now lets look at why…we like to look at all things in context of relationship here at F of lets put it in context.

Haughty eyes – this word means Proud, Snob, and Arrogant.  If you are looking toward others like you are so much better than they are, smarter than they are, as if they have nothing to offer you. are not loving anything but yourself. Humility to hear something other than your own thinking and being open minded is needed.

A lying tongue – simply not being honest with the people around you. There is no way to walk through trials and issues in relationship if there is not honesty. Honesty about how you feel, think, and what you need from the people around you. If fear is an issue and you lie because you fear the outcome then courage is needed to speak the truth.

Hands that shed innocent blood – This could be more than murder. It could be throwing someone else under the bus, creating situations where others become angry with people, where they think badly about another instead of you owning up to your mistakes…this could be simply blaming others. What is needed is personal responsibility to deal with yourself instead of lashing out on others.

A heart that devises wicked plans – working against people on purpose. Choosing to thwart others. This is the opposite of working together. The opposite of unity. This is finding ways to put others lower so you can get ahead. What is needed is a team player mindset. You are only as good as the team around you. Encourage and help others instead. Be a problem solver not a problem maker.

Feet that make haste to run to evil – looking for trouble, looking for any back handed way to get ahead. One who is running on impulse and not thinking twice. Quick to lie, steal, cheat. Serious repentance and a turn from all evil is needed here. Haste makes waste — wasting away is death… stop killing yourself. Waste belongs in the toilet. So start flushing!!

A false witness who breathes out lies – Lying against others. Telling stories to better yourself. Fabricating the truth. Padding the way you “look” in a story for a more favorable outcome toward yourself. Being honest at all times requires much strength.


One who sows discord among brothers – Do you pit people against each other. Tell people what you heard others say about them. Intentionally tell others what people did that you know will disturb them and cause them to have feelings of dislike toward someone.


See abomination doesn’t have to mean you are a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person …you just have simply chosen not to LOVE. We need not be shamed into better behavior. What we need in understanding and choice.


Don’t become an:

A-BOM (b) I (all about me) NATION 

Stop exploding  your inner garbage all over everyone else! Deal with it by loving instead! Now that is real strength…


Starla ( with lots of Tina thinking in there!! ) Open-mouthed smile

May 15, 2012

Do you brace?


I recently watched this movie and it is still speaking to me.

Buck is a man who works with horses. He is the guy that Robert Redford based his character on in the movie The Horse Whisperer.

In the movie Buck does a visual experiment with another man. They each hold the end of a rope. Buck talks about how horses can “ feel” what you are doing through slight movement. So he tugs on the rope and the man grabs tight. As Buck is talking he randomly tugs that rope and the man grabs tight. Then Buck just makes a movement but not exactly the same and the man braced for the tug.

While I am watching this I am thinking that is how we as humans are as well. When we get around someone and “feel” that familiar feel that we got as a kid or a teen when someone hurt us =WE BRACE!

Sometimes it looks like defensiveness, or anger, flight from the person, or some kind of lashing out. In these areas where these AUTO BRACING happen are areas where we do not trust.

I remember many time in the early years of my marriage my husband would “feel” to me like danger. I would brace hard and push back. My defensiveness was quick to rear its ugly head. Just like the horses did by stamping there feet and rearing up.  Many times he treated me just like Buck did the horse in this movie. Slowly backing the horse up with gentleness and love. All the while speaking truth and controlling his emotions. I had to be backed up into a corner a few times and told I am not going to hurt you.

God used my husband to teach me to trust again. I really didn’t see that because it happened slowly over many years but since watching this movie and looking back in reflection. I can see God’s hand teaching me His love and kindness. I can see how far God has walked me in trusting Him with my heart no matter what people may do.

May we have the courage to love those who brace against us until the rest in our love like we rest in the love of Christ.


Double Post Smile with tongue out Here and F of L

May 3, 2012


“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Robert McCloskey

This has happened to me more times than I can count…

what I meant is not what was heard.

I bet we have all had this happen to us!

I have not always heard what was meant by others either.

I try to be slow to react …to listen …to ask before I think I know what just happened. When it happens I am shocked that I am in it again. So to find the lesson is where I sit. 

This last month we talked about vulnerability and I can tell you being vulnerable is no walk in the park. It is hard and very scary. Sometimes to just say what I am thinking and feeling requires an internal propeller to get it out of my mouth. I am an introvert type. That at times doesn’t help my situation. Quiet I can do with ease. Speaking up takes a lot of effort. On top of the fact that I battle with a mind tape that plays lies to me (as we all do) mine is about saying what I think and each time it plays fear spills over into my ears through my own inner voice.

Some may say “ if they don’t get me, oh well!”  and they move on….no hurt shown, no bother, just going on their way. I on the other hand, to say that, requires me to be extremely angry, full of wretchedness and layers of grudge bearing. All of which I do not want. So that leaves me with the pain and wonder about why do I end up in situations where I feel misunderstood and with a huge need to fix it in some way.

And now that I am reflecting about it…to teach me to be who I am, speak up, and keep walking. :0) right? Wrong …to teach me to care more about others than myself and learn to connect honestly!! Misunderstanding is never one sided. Because two are involved in a misunderstanding and so two views are involved. We all do not see, think, hear, or  feel things the same way.

Now this month we are moving into a new topic called courage. For me courage is what it takes for me to connect with another person about a misunderstanding but what trips me the most is hearing the other person’s view and realizing the perception they seem to have about me. Then when I try to explain myself I get this vague feeling that they don’t believe me and that they think I am just trying to make them change. ( notice I said I feel this way and I have learned I also project that feeling -CHANGE FOR ME –don’t we all think we are privileged… Lord help me!)

Yet my goal is simple – there is a misunderstanding and I would like to take the MISS part out of the issue and find understanding. But is that how I am coming across…something to think about? I am finding it is human to want to take someone else’s MISS out of their understanding but how about mine.

We all believe what we believe no matter what anyone else says about it. We either trust or we don’t. Right? And I even question myself on this point. There was a time that I believed that people have done me wrong and no matter what they said I was going to believe they meant it the way I saw it. Period! But after years of changing friends, Hurtful separations, mistrusting others, and realizing that my faith was small and my vision was clouded. I began to ask God to help me to believe the best of other people even if what I was looking at seemed hard to believe and handle.

All layers on the same Sin that so easily besets me …

Not Fully Believing what God says about me.

–Father forgive me for this is the root of my issue.

Romans 9:8 This means that it is not the

children of the flesh who are the children of God, but the children of the promise are counted as offspring.

The enemy has my number in this area and no matter what I try or do ( yes I am a task person )  I still find him ringing my bell,  scheming and deceiving me into believing that my worth is wrapped up in what I think someone thinks about me. What about that promise?

Ultimately it isn’t what another thinks about me…after uncovering and digging into my heart issues…I find it is my own self limiting thoughts about my own worth or non-worth that causes my distress. Do I believe God’s view of me or my own, am I His or not, and this is  that which keeps showing up in my world to test me?

Lord, may I rest in you. Knowing that you have made me the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. That you have good things for me. That ultimately this too will yield good for me through the drawing of my heart to your throne. In the believing of Your promise. I ask Lord that if there are others who know this feeling and walk as I have- God I ask that you would cover them, create for them a safe place to come to your side and know that they are precious to you. That they would know, as You are also speaking to me, that YOU define us! – no matter what we think some may see. And help us to reach out to our “others” in our lives. We don’t see them clear all the time either. May we have compassion on them and be willing to hear. Let us have ears to hear God. THANK YOU! In Jesus Name. Amen.


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