Archive for ‘vulnerable’

July 22, 2013

a hidden treasure

Sometimes crap just happens! And isn’t it just like crap to happen from unexpected sources at unexpected times? Like when you are feeling all relaxed with yourself and peaceful!

Do you think the bible is right on that there is a enemy who is like a lion seeking whom he may devour? I think so!

The thing I am realizing most in this time of my life is that unresolved stuff attracts crap!

What kind of unresolved stuff? Well strangely good and bad stuff!

The bible says

Proverbs 27:5 Open rebuke is better than hidden love.

Love hidden is what got me. I got my feelings hurt because I wasn’t able to do something for and with the group of teens that I am a leader over. I was.. whether intentionally or unintentionally (it doesn’t matter now)  obstructed from fulfilling what I wanted to do. I felt hurt that I was passed over. I felt left out and a bit uncared for. All those emotions are tied to emotions and feeling that I received wounds from when I was a young girl. So why hidden love? Well,  in the word of the 80’s rock bank Cinderella  “you don’t know what you got till its gone?” Now,I know they aren’t really gone gone…but the opportunity is gone, the time is gone,that moment is gone.  But through it I realized just how much I love my teens @ SMAC.

Of course I spoke my mind also. Told of the one who stung me that it hurt. I was honest. I made my way through forgiveness and asking to be forgiven since I so very much coveted the spot that was given to another. I also found my way to blessing them. Thanking them for what they did for my teens.

I could have held on to my upset….but I didn’t.

I had right to it …I am their leader! but what kind of leader would I be if I allow the enemy to use my past mental and emotional tape on me and then use me to unleash anger and hurt on others.

Right now I am just thankful for the perspective…

I found LOVE hiding under that hurt!

Every emotional hurt has it’s treasure – FIND IT!

It helps bring reality to the surface and lets grace cover the pain.

May 3, 2012


“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Robert McCloskey

This has happened to me more times than I can count…

what I meant is not what was heard.

I bet we have all had this happen to us!

I have not always heard what was meant by others either.

I try to be slow to react …to listen …to ask before I think I know what just happened. When it happens I am shocked that I am in it again. So to find the lesson is where I sit. 

This last month we talked about vulnerability and I can tell you being vulnerable is no walk in the park. It is hard and very scary. Sometimes to just say what I am thinking and feeling requires an internal propeller to get it out of my mouth. I am an introvert type. That at times doesn’t help my situation. Quiet I can do with ease. Speaking up takes a lot of effort. On top of the fact that I battle with a mind tape that plays lies to me (as we all do) mine is about saying what I think and each time it plays fear spills over into my ears through my own inner voice.

Some may say “ if they don’t get me, oh well!”  and they move on….no hurt shown, no bother, just going on their way. I on the other hand, to say that, requires me to be extremely angry, full of wretchedness and layers of grudge bearing. All of which I do not want. So that leaves me with the pain and wonder about why do I end up in situations where I feel misunderstood and with a huge need to fix it in some way.

And now that I am reflecting about it…to teach me to be who I am, speak up, and keep walking. :0) right? Wrong …to teach me to care more about others than myself and learn to connect honestly!! Misunderstanding is never one sided. Because two are involved in a misunderstanding and so two views are involved. We all do not see, think, hear, or  feel things the same way.

Now this month we are moving into a new topic called courage. For me courage is what it takes for me to connect with another person about a misunderstanding but what trips me the most is hearing the other person’s view and realizing the perception they seem to have about me. Then when I try to explain myself I get this vague feeling that they don’t believe me and that they think I am just trying to make them change. ( notice I said I feel this way and I have learned I also project that feeling -CHANGE FOR ME –don’t we all think we are privileged… Lord help me!)

Yet my goal is simple – there is a misunderstanding and I would like to take the MISS part out of the issue and find understanding. But is that how I am coming across…something to think about? I am finding it is human to want to take someone else’s MISS out of their understanding but how about mine.

We all believe what we believe no matter what anyone else says about it. We either trust or we don’t. Right? And I even question myself on this point. There was a time that I believed that people have done me wrong and no matter what they said I was going to believe they meant it the way I saw it. Period! But after years of changing friends, Hurtful separations, mistrusting others, and realizing that my faith was small and my vision was clouded. I began to ask God to help me to believe the best of other people even if what I was looking at seemed hard to believe and handle.

All layers on the same Sin that so easily besets me …

Not Fully Believing what God says about me.

–Father forgive me for this is the root of my issue.

Romans 9:8 This means that it is not the

children of the flesh who are the children of God, but the children of the promise are counted as offspring.

The enemy has my number in this area and no matter what I try or do ( yes I am a task person )  I still find him ringing my bell,  scheming and deceiving me into believing that my worth is wrapped up in what I think someone thinks about me. What about that promise?

Ultimately it isn’t what another thinks about me…after uncovering and digging into my heart issues…I find it is my own self limiting thoughts about my own worth or non-worth that causes my distress. Do I believe God’s view of me or my own, am I His or not, and this is  that which keeps showing up in my world to test me?

Lord, may I rest in you. Knowing that you have made me the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. That you have good things for me. That ultimately this too will yield good for me through the drawing of my heart to your throne. In the believing of Your promise. I ask Lord that if there are others who know this feeling and walk as I have- God I ask that you would cover them, create for them a safe place to come to your side and know that they are precious to you. That they would know, as You are also speaking to me, that YOU define us! – no matter what we think some may see. And help us to reach out to our “others” in our lives. We don’t see them clear all the time either. May we have compassion on them and be willing to hear. Let us have ears to hear God. THANK YOU! In Jesus Name. Amen.


April 28, 2012



Why hadn’t I seen that the price of being safe — is the cost of being solitary? Why hadn’t I seen that distrust can destroy a life? ~ Ann Voskamp

Friendship is a laying bare open kind of thing unless you of course are like most of us women out here who hold the everyday kind of friend at arms length. Fears, mistrust, old thinking messages from days long gone still play, and sourness is sunk in deep.
I have wondered for many years why I liked to be so solitary within my own spirit and soul. I often thought of myself as a person who was open and willing to be vulnerable. I was a bit blind because I found out that while I may have spoke the truth of what I felt or knew within, I held my arms in a great stretch between me and another.
I was in a protective mode. Childhood and teenage dagger wounds in my heart were to fresh for me to move on. I wasn’t willing to be hurt….even though I was as touchy as a porcupine. Hurting me was as easy as a heart beating. It just happened. I was a long been wounded soul looking for love with spikes on.
But being alone and being unknown was too much for me and I would guess it is also to much for you.

So what do you do? YOU REACH OUT.

Not to many and any but to one in particular. One you have a draw to. One God given friend. That is what happened to me. It is through this friendship that I have learned much about myself and her. It has been a friendship of depth. A friendship of asking – what, when, where, and why –the hard questions. Lots of people don’t like this kind of heart digging…and I didn’t until I started to feel the pleasure of realness. The shiny polish of shallow acquaintance – arms length friendship – wore off and I yearned for deep fellowship. Its not easy ….it requires a love of the truth and grace for another and yourself. We are a people of hiding. Like Adam and Eve in the garden with the fig leaves. We do the same thing. We hide and dodge, throw up our defenses, blaming, and accusations. All of which I did and still do as I am working through the layers of my inner mind and heart.
None of this is even possible without Christ and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. His sacrifice has secured us the position and standing of righteousness. So through that we can walk this truthful, real and open relationship out.  The Holy Spirit brings the understand through revelation, and for us these revelations have often come as we bare our scars and reveal our shadowy sides to each other.


Who can bear living the whole of their lives and never learn what it means to really be a friend?
~Ann Voskamp

Jesus calls us HIS FRIENDS. With Jesus I can tell Him anything and He loves me still. He knows my darkness, hurts, fears and dreams. He doesn’t use them against me, he uses them to heal me.  He encourages me, as I am, in His presence. He counsels me in His ways. He teaches me about myself and more importantly about how to be more like Him and I believe that the more we are like Jesus the more we will be this kind of Friend.


Originally written by ME Sept. 29, 2011 :

April 23, 2012

Vulnerable #4



I think it would be safe to say

that if we are HIDING


~Friendships of Love

linking with:

April 20, 2012

Friday Fun Facts


Pictures I like-002


1. A song: (its not what you think)

2. Something We Like:

Last Monday Tina and I got TABLETS … the Archos went on a mean sale for 199.00 so we jumped …we been looking at tablets for MONTHS!!!!!







4. Something Funny:

Pinned Image


5. Picture of the week :

photo (2)

My Sarah and one of Tina’s Danes ( She has two)

This is Chief!


Linking with:

friday favorite things | finding joy


6. Love this:

Pinned Image

Brene Brown :

7. A quote:

“What makes you vulnerable

makes you beautiful.”

-Brené Brown


Linking with:

Mommy's Idea


8. Something on my heart:

This is week has been so so so BUSY!! I have not had a week like this in a long time. IT has been good but packed…I think a SOUL OASIS sounds good right about now. –I’m thinking a long HOT BATH.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath wont cure, but I don’t know many of them. – Sylvia Plath 



Visited with 3 friends, worship practice, fixed a Wi-Fi problem, fixed a printer scanning problem, set up 3 tablets, visited with my grandma, put together the worship books, got photo’s from two people from the dodge ball youth competition last weekend to another person for video making…..and oh man many many many other things… lets just say I am the TASK QUEEN. LOL


10. Something Cool:

I found an awesome APP for drawing and coloring ! I will share when I show you what I am creating….FEEL THE SUSPENSE! lol



Friendships of Love

April 19, 2012

Side swiped

You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Quotes By Maya Angelou

Here is my story of vulnerable written in my favorite style – poetry

Air… like spirit flowing

through me

in me

to another is what makes me rise

I could have choose to defend

and fight against

but what good would that do

in the past I gave the facts

in rapid speed

trying to erase the words of another

written on the mind of the revealer

a moment of being

side swiped by an arrow

hoping my quick tongue was enough

to destroy untruth myself

manipulating the ears to bend my way

but I have learned

so I put my tears into the ears

of a close companion

when I was lied about

when I was presented in an unkind way

the fear was that if I speak the truth

I will not be heard

that is If I simply say

“no, that’s not true.”

I chose to speak any way

to be vulnerable in the area

of my greatest fear

see long ago a man long past

raised me while he swung at demons

haunted and running from himself

he disbelieved an innocent girl

and bruised her delicate heart

I’m grown now and have many

times been round this mountain

Choosing many avenues

none of them vulnerable…open…

completely defenseless

To not put faith in my own arm

until now when I laid down

my own sword

and carried a cross instead

resting in the knowing

that HE is fully able to defend me

and through it He strengthened weak

ankle bones making me to stand.

This fear has shifted down creating

a step- moving on up!

Linking with:

Emily at Imperfect Prose


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