Courage is an interesting word to stick to for a month. Life is so mundane that courage seems useless at times…and then the lesson came.
While at practice with our worship team I messed up on my finger cue’s for the band to follow. Right after the song finished my husband calls out “STARLA! you have to pay attention to your fingers because we are following them!. “ I have heard that tone before. You know the one I am talking about …the CORRECTOR tone. All I could do short of complete implosion from embarrassment was calmly through slightly gritted teeth say “ I know. “ I got through the last to songs and went straight to the bathroom.
While passing fellow church members, who are all BTW cheerily saying “good morning!” I manage to eek out a tight lipped courtesy smile while bolting for the bathroom door. My heart was pounding. I was angry. I was in full repression of emotion. I was so afraid that if I did speak I would break like a dam and a flood of emotion would erupt. I prayed to God to help me to Let it go, “Lord help me, I forgive him, I let it go.” I walk to the mirror and my eyes tell the story. I had not let it go. It had me! I was fully in the grip!
I was suppose to get up on stage in less than a half an hour and minister to the people, allow God to flow through me. How was I going to do that when I had just put a cork in it! I was upset and now I was even upset with myself. I went to the coffee bar hoping to sip some fire of the Lord into my soul that could overcome this shadowy cloud that had just taken me over.
Then a sweet lady named Jennifer at church asked me in full sincere tone and smile “how are you doing this morning?” I look at her…blankly as the slow token words fell from my lips “ I’m good “ as I cringed in mid – sentence. She kept eye contact and that’s when it happened. I felt courage rise up in me and I said “ I’m not ok, my husband corrected me in front of everyone and I am angry, It was embarrassing!” Then the most amazing thing happened. I felt relief. I look at her and all I could say was “thank you!” I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. I had – LET GO. I had always heard that statement Let go and Let God and thought ok so easier said than done. But I was totally trying to control my emotions and how people perceived me and I was failing miserably. I looked cold, disinterested, and detached. But once I let go of what I was trying to control God filled me with His joy again….and it was over.
I made a quick mental note of what had just happened and when the next situation happened where I felt like a ball of emotional repressed mess, and I was asked “ If I was tired or something?” (because they could tell I was not ok) I simple looked them in the eye and said how I was feeling… and it was over. Light-ness returned.
I found courage! During Vulnerable month I expressed great fear over speaking my feelings… God is walking me down some interesting paths of learning!