guilt controller

I felt angry because they didn’t respond to my request!”
By equating stimulus and cause, we trick ourselves in thinking that other’s behavior is the cause of our anger. This is an easy habit to acquire in a culture that uses guilt as a means of controlling people.

-nvc -Marshal Rosenberg

 

 

OH WOW…

Have you ever said this to your kids? or spouse?

 

*FINE! I’m not helping you then!

 

*You know what? I’m done talking to you!

 

*Forget it …we are not going anywhere!

WOW…I AM CONVICTED!

 

Acts 8:22 Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.

Family

 From : Messy Church by Ross Parsley

Him in these 3 things

True strength is only in Christ Jesus!

His great love for us was and is a strength that is unmatched in this world.

Our (my) versions of strength consist of multilayers of deception, putting on a strong image to walk through a difficult situation, thinking that it makes more sense that other not seeing me in my weakness. When truly I am  wearing it on my face.

Christ is many things to us but today I am focusing to see Him in these 3 things:

TRUTH

LIGHT

LOVE

When we choose to walk out His life in strength it isn’t always some mystical, meek and mild mannered, lay down your life kind of thing. (even though those are good things) It is simply being willing to speak TRUTH and 95% of the time that is going to be truth about YOU.

John 8:32

And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

His strength rises when we say “ I’m hurting” instead of “ I’m fine.” It rises when we say “I’m angry” instead of “ It’s ok!” Showing realness draws others to the source of strength for it is simple sincerity. In that place we are free to be who we are, where we are, moving on into where He is leading.

The multilayer of deception of “I’m fine and Ok” come in like a whirlwind, turning my insides upside down. Filling me with denial, defense and damaging credibility and relationships along the way.

It also means being willing to stand in the LIGHT. No one really like those bathrooms with all the florescent lighting. Our flaws look magnified to us. The dark circles of tiredness, the pimples of stress, the paleness of our lack of nutrition -spiritually or otherwise.  Seeing those realities are part of why we choose not to walk in the light as He is in the light. Light means we can see clearly everything about us… but we like dim soft candlelight it makes everything seem more beautiful. (like photo-shopped lives for face book) 

But we are the lamp of the Lord.

 

Psalm 18:28
For You will light my lamp; The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.

We see dimly without His light -not clear. But in His strength, with His light in the lamp, we can stand confident in the light knowing that if we have dirt on our faces or sin, hurt, anger, even pain …He will wash us clean and renew us. No where else can we get that than in the Light of His presence.

It also means LOVE. Christ loved people with the strength of many waters. He was poured out for us.

Song of Solomon 8:6

…. For love is as strong as death…..

He spoke the truth and brought light.

We think strong love is some mushy, be there for you over and over, lay down kind of thing ( again all good stuff) Yet Christ told people the truth no matter what. If they rejected it, He moved on. He left the door open for if they chose to hear the truth and return to Him. He did not baby sit their every whim, or try to reason with them and all their excuses. Instead He went to the Cross, forgave them and He sat down at the right hand of the Father. Those of us who are His are seated with Him.

True strength is being willing to Love by speaking truth about ourselves and to others and bringing light. -Letting it shine through us.

I don’t always walk in this true strength!

I fight with my fears and flaws and all my insecurities but I know if I allow myself to become weak in the sight of others that He is faithful to show up STRONG!

TRUTH+LIGHT+LOVE = STRENGTH

a three fold cord!

Starla

A song for you ..Matt Redman -FIRES

Linking with:

To Let it go…

Courage is an interesting word to stick to for a month. Life is so mundane that courage seems useless at times…and then the lesson came.

While at practice with our worship team I messed up on my finger cue’s  for the band to follow. Right after the song finished my husband calls out “STARLA! you have to pay attention to your fingers because we are following them!. “ I have heard that tone before. You know the one I am talking about …the CORRECTOR tone. All I could do short of complete implosion from embarrassment was calmly through slightly gritted teeth say “ I know. “  I got through the last to songs and went straight to the bathroom.

While passing fellow church members, who are all BTW cheerily saying “good morning!” I manage to eek out a tight lipped courtesy smile while bolting for the bathroom door. My heart was pounding. I was angry. I was in full repression of emotion. I was so afraid that if I did speak I would break like a dam and a flood of emotion would erupt. I prayed to God to help me to Let it go, “Lord help me, I forgive him, I let it go.” I walk to the mirror and my eyes tell the story. I had not let it go. It had me! I was fully in the grip!

I was suppose to get up on stage in less than a half an hour and minister to the people, allow God to flow through me. How was I going to do that when I had just put a cork in it! I was upset and now I was even upset with myself. I went to the coffee bar hoping to sip some fire of the Lord into my soul that could overcome this shadowy cloud that had just taken me over.

Then a sweet lady named Jennifer at church asked me in full sincere tone and smile “how are you doing this morning?” I look at her…blankly as the slow token words fell from my lips “ I’m good “ as I cringed in mid – sentence. She kept eye contact and that’s when it happened. I felt courage rise up in me and I said “ I’m not ok, my husband corrected me in front of everyone and I am angry, It was embarrassing!” Then the most amazing thing happened. I felt relief.     I look at her and all I could say was       “thank you!” I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. I had  – LET GO. I had always heard that statement Let go and Let God and thought ok so easier said than done. But I was totally trying to control my emotions and how people perceived me and I was failing miserably. I looked cold, disinterested, and detached. But once I let go of what I was trying to control God filled me with His joy again….and it was over.

I made a quick mental note of what had just happened and when the next situation happened where I felt like a ball of emotional repressed mess, and I was asked “ If I was tired or something?” (because they could tell I was not ok) I simple looked them in the eye and said how I was feeling… and it was over. Light-ness returned.

I found courage! During Vulnerable month I expressed great fear over speaking my feelings… God is walking me down some interesting paths of learning!

Misunderstanding

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

–Robert McCloskey

This has happened to me more times than I can count…

what I meant is not what was heard.

I bet we have all had this happen to us!

I have not always heard what was meant by others either.

I try to be slow to react …to listen …to ask before I think I know what just happened. When it happens I am shocked that I am in it again. So to find the lesson is where I sit. 

This last month we talked about vulnerability and I can tell you being vulnerable is no walk in the park. It is hard and very scary. Sometimes to just say what I am thinking and feeling requires an internal propeller to get it out of my mouth. I am an introvert type. That at times doesn’t help my situation. Quiet I can do with ease. Speaking up takes a lot of effort. On top of the fact that I battle with a mind tape that plays lies to me (as we all do) mine is about saying what I think and each time it plays fear spills over into my ears through my own inner voice.

Some may say “ if they don’t get me, oh well!”  and they move on….no hurt shown, no bother, just going on their way. I on the other hand, to say that, requires me to be extremely angry, full of wretchedness and layers of grudge bearing. All of which I do not want. So that leaves me with the pain and wonder about why do I end up in situations where I feel misunderstood and with a huge need to fix it in some way.

And now that I am reflecting about it…to teach me to be who I am, speak up, and keep walking. :0) right? Wrong …to teach me to care more about others than myself and learn to connect honestly!! Misunderstanding is never one sided. Because two are involved in a misunderstanding and so two views are involved. We all do not see, think, hear, or  feel things the same way.

Now this month we are moving into a new topic called courage. For me courage is what it takes for me to connect with another person about a misunderstanding but what trips me the most is hearing the other person’s view and realizing the perception they seem to have about me. Then when I try to explain myself I get this vague feeling that they don’t believe me and that they think I am just trying to make them change. ( notice I said I feel this way and I have learned I also project that feeling -CHANGE FOR ME –don’t we all think we are privileged… Lord help me!)

Yet my goal is simple – there is a misunderstanding and I would like to take the MISS part out of the issue and find understanding. But is that how I am coming across…something to think about? I am finding it is human to want to take someone else’s MISS out of their understanding but how about mine.

We all believe what we believe no matter what anyone else says about it. We either trust or we don’t. Right? And I even question myself on this point. There was a time that I believed that people have done me wrong and no matter what they said I was going to believe they meant it the way I saw it. Period! But after years of changing friends, Hurtful separations, mistrusting others, and realizing that my faith was small and my vision was clouded. I began to ask God to help me to believe the best of other people even if what I was looking at seemed hard to believe and handle.

All layers on the same Sin that so easily besets me …

Not Fully Believing what God says about me.

–Father forgive me for this is the root of my issue.

Romans 9:8 This means that it is not the

children of the flesh who are the children of God, but the children of the promise are counted as offspring.

The enemy has my number in this area and no matter what I try or do ( yes I am a task person )  I still find him ringing my bell,  scheming and deceiving me into believing that my worth is wrapped up in what I think someone thinks about me. What about that promise?

Ultimately it isn’t what another thinks about me…after uncovering and digging into my heart issues…I find it is my own self limiting thoughts about my own worth or non-worth that causes my distress. Do I believe God’s view of me or my own, am I His or not, and this is  that which keeps showing up in my world to test me?

Lord, may I rest in you. Knowing that you have made me the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. That you have good things for me. That ultimately this too will yield good for me through the drawing of my heart to your throne. In the believing of Your promise. I ask Lord that if there are others who know this feeling and walk as I have- God I ask that you would cover them, create for them a safe place to come to your side and know that they are precious to you. That they would know, as You are also speaking to me, that YOU define us! – no matter what we think some may see. And help us to reach out to our “others” in our lives. We don’t see them clear all the time either. May we have compassion on them and be willing to hear. Let us have ears to hear God. THANK YOU! In Jesus Name. Amen.

STARLA

Opening

 

Why hadn’t I seen that the price of being safe — is the cost of being solitary? Why hadn’t I seen that distrust can destroy a life? ~ Ann Voskamp

Friendship is a laying bare open kind of thing unless you of course are like most of us women out here who hold the everyday kind of friend at arms length. Fears, mistrust, old thinking messages from days long gone still play, and sourness is sunk in deep.
I have wondered for many years why I liked to be so solitary within my own spirit and soul. I often thought of myself as a person who was open and willing to be vulnerable. I was a bit blind because I found out that while I may have spoke the truth of what I felt or knew within, I held my arms in a great stretch between me and another.
I was in a protective mode. Childhood and teenage dagger wounds in my heart were to fresh for me to move on. I wasn’t willing to be hurt….even though I was as touchy as a porcupine. Hurting me was as easy as a heart beating. It just happened. I was a long been wounded soul looking for love with spikes on.
But being alone and being unknown was too much for me and I would guess it is also to much for you.

So what do you do? YOU REACH OUT.

Not to many and any but to one in particular. One you have a draw to. One God given friend. That is what happened to me. It is through this friendship that I have learned much about myself and her. It has been a friendship of depth. A friendship of asking – what, when, where, and why –the hard questions. Lots of people don’t like this kind of heart digging…and I didn’t until I started to feel the pleasure of realness. The shiny polish of shallow acquaintance – arms length friendship – wore off and I yearned for deep fellowship. Its not easy ….it requires a love of the truth and grace for another and yourself. We are a people of hiding. Like Adam and Eve in the garden with the fig leaves. We do the same thing. We hide and dodge, throw up our defenses, blaming, and accusations. All of which I did and still do as I am working through the layers of my inner mind and heart.
None of this is even possible without Christ and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. His sacrifice has secured us the position and standing of righteousness. So through that we can walk this truthful, real and open relationship out.  The Holy Spirit brings the understand through revelation, and for us these revelations have often come as we bare our scars and reveal our shadowy sides to each other.

 

Who can bear living the whole of their lives and never learn what it means to really be a friend?
~Ann Voskamp

Jesus calls us HIS FRIENDS. With Jesus I can tell Him anything and He loves me still. He knows my darkness, hurts, fears and dreams. He doesn’t use them against me, he uses them to heal me.  He encourages me, as I am, in His presence. He counsels me in His ways. He teaches me about myself and more importantly about how to be more like Him and I believe that the more we are like Jesus the more we will be this kind of Friend.

Starla

Originally written by ME Sept. 29, 2011 : http://friendshipsoflove.blogspot.com/2011/09/opening.html