Archive for ‘Communication’

June 24, 2013

Where Are they?

Vulnerable …Open

Two words that are easy to overlook when writing….

what do I mean?? Well, I can write flowery words and allude to my meaning and never openly state a thing and never reveal the me under the words and just let vulnerability slip through the cracks.

That being said,  today I write plainly!

Friends can I just be honest and give view to the things I have been mulling over and concerned about? I thank you in advance. Its just not a pretty subject.

We have been going through WONDERSTRUCK in my home church. Margaret Feinberg has asked that we write a lament. I find I am more open if I am open in blog and real life. So here it goes…

Being a wife is one of the hardest things I have even done! To follow after Christ and read His word, to hear His words within and when you share with your spouse and he doesn’t agree or even try to see the truths and where you are coming from, and the church says to “defer” to your husband because He is suppose to be “the head of the wife”  is the most painstakingly annoying thing there is!

Eph 5:22  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and I am committed to him and rely on him greatly in mind and heart and NO!! life is not terrible but these are things that plague me and I think the 20th century female mainstream Christian spouse experience. It is sad! Being married is NOT easy. It can be distracting to the mind since I am constantly trying to find a way to help him see what I am saying when we disagree. Can someone say PLEASE HEAR ME? Its a fight in my heart not to get so angry I want to punch him in the face. Annoying to the emotions in the times I feel like I am not being heard and I live on an emotional rollercoaster. Full of miscommunication and hurt feelings especially if we aren’t on the same page. Have you heard yourself say Do you care?  When you have two people with thinking minds and their perspectives on how to walk with God and they do not match, one pressing in and the other coasting through life so it seems. One an outdoors man awing at creation and the other a book worm and indoor comfort nut.  When life gets to    ust going through the motions it makes for a battle that keeps coming back because the issue never gets settled. Then when passions flare the expectations of “what is a godly wife?” is challenged and I fight in my mind the guilt battle between expressing myself or stuffing it and even that is a challenge when I get the impression that to express my thoughts is unwanted and I better watch those tones and facial expressions. Where is the …it is ok to be authentic and speak how you feel, we will figure it out together, I’m not offended by you, I love you, I hear you?

How long will I wait, GOD …how long?? Will I be able to endure, my soul is tired and my heart is faint.

I am sure I am not alone in asking the question “ What is with men being men of inaction and defense and/or out right denial?” It is as if they have decided that since you got the problem, you are the problem and that it is not their problem and so they check out, go silent and move on like nothing has happened.  And so like any married woman who chooses to let herself have a voice in the marriage…and as my bff would say we:

Inflict the comfortable and comfort the inflicted!”

 

Ever notice how when someone refuses to care about how they are treating you, if you inflict their comfort level they eventually want to hear you, deal with the matter and move forward productively. Why have I heard from many ladies about the laziness men have in their commitment to Christ but they are vigorous in the commitment to work as if the JOB is what gives them their identity?? When kids get out of line they are either passive or over zealous in their discipline. It is as if they are blind to the word Disciple in the word and forget to train up a child in the way he should go! I know it is not a new issue and it is still one.

Where is the Warrior flame in the hearts of men to right to CHRISTLIKENESS.

I had read a quote that spurred these thoughts from Ransomed Heart :

The problem with men, we are told, is that they don’t know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children. But, if they will try real hard they can reach the lofty summit of becoming . . . a nice guy. That’s what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. We don’t smoke, drink, or swear; that’s what makes us men…..Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian man? Don’t listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You’d have to admit a Christian man is . . . bored.

 

Women have you ever been ( as my bff said she hear it called )  put out on the front line! Have you asked your husband to take care of something. Sometimes asking him for years to care for you, care for your home  ( fix the broken sink, repair the leaking windows that now pour into the kitchen, guard your time together when there is little time to have, speak up and stand up for you when your children disrespect you, to love you, hear you, speak up for you, protect you from his family judgment or overstepping )   AND he does nothing …no movement ….stays busy with work or distractions, lets opportunity to speak slide by and leaves you out to dry or worse you yourself have to step up and do the man’s job. SO you take the initiative and call a plumber but then he is mad at you when you take steps to remedy the issue!! And what did I do I cancelled the service call! How long God? The sink has been waiting for repair for over 7 years.  How about when you speak up for your family and relationship do you feel like you are risking that so called perception – the perfect view of women “ meek and quiet!”  Its almost as if you have to apologize for having needs, desiring right relationships, respect, love and acceptance and wanting things fixed. When did meek and quiet become silent and stepped on or over and insignificant? Is it a crime to need your husband to love you like Christ loves the Church?

I know this is heavy but it is heavy on my heart and Yes!! we are to respect our husbands but I am pretty sure Christ respected us the best and he told us the truth didn’t leave us in our comfortable little lives, He brought truth and it rocked the world.

Respect does not equal “ MY WAY OR THE HIGH WAY!

Come on …can I get a witness?? …come on now?? Anyone dealing with this??? While this is not a daily -overwhelming- I- am -drowning- kind -of- thing, this is an important issue hitting us women hard, like years of never ending spin cycle hard. For those of you who have husbands who stand up for you, care for you, love you and hear you. Count your blessings, we are not all so blessed in this area of domestic life. It is hard to admit but we are the weaker vessels…but the more our men do not stand and love like Christ, the more the world and the enemy lies to us about how we have to toughen up, push for our rights, manipulate the situation, just go around the man!

God help us!! Who will pray with me, for those of us women who deal with this!! The enemy is heavy on relationships daily….let us women rise to the heavens in one voice and call on God the only one who can move men rightly and may we shake the heavens with our cries! Like every other generation we carry the burden of raising boys who are to grow and walk in Christ. Some where back there,  the hippy generation missed it!  And us women in our ages of 30’s and 40’s are now dealing with “the reaping” of what they had sown in the 1960’s and 70’s

My man is not alone in this for I know for years I had been ignoring my needs in an out of balance way, not speaking the truth instead stuffing it for fear of creating a conflict, and allowing unkind behavior toward me to go unchecked. It has created some bad marital habits that slap me in the face at times through the both of us.  I want to encourage myself and wives to love and live in honesty not in the doormat syndrome, but in the Jesus kind of open loving truthful style.  May we not worry obsessively about how we are perceived, rather let us stand for Godliness, truth, for love, for righteousness. Christ was active and passionate and He moved the world over! STAND! Have we stopped talking to our men about what we see in them, encouraging the good and admonishing them on the bad. We are “the helpers” God gave them to stand by them and encourage them to Godly living. Are we all asleep at the moral and spiritual wheels?? Have their heart become so stubborn that only whipping them like a donkey would move them from where there pride plants them.

Where are they???….spiritually….Where are we for that matter? Where am I?

Me, I think I just cracked my eyes to some new light! God, my God reveal yourself in this situation. Come and display Your glory and sovereignty over my life and home. I know with You all things are possible. So hard when the evidence in not starring me in the face in a tangible way I can grasp. Let me thank you for Your Goodness even when I feel like the tide will never change. God you are a mountain mover, let me watch and see that the Lord is good be my salvation come move this mountain!!

Starla

Come see what God revealed to me when I allowed myself to be this vulnerable, this real, this raw and open. A true Lament from my heart about ME and not what is going on around me or the world. http://starleeta.wordpress.com/2013/06/27/a-lamenting-reveal/

September 24, 2012

guilt controller

I felt angry because they didn’t respond to my request!”
By equating stimulus and cause, we trick ourselves in thinking that other’s behavior is the cause of our anger. This is an easy habit to acquire in a culture that uses guilt as a means of controlling people.

-nvc -Marshal Rosenberg

 

 

OH WOW…

Have you ever said this to your kids? or spouse?

 

*FINE! I’m not helping you then!

 

*You know what? I’m done talking to you!

 

*Forget it …we are not going anywhere!

WOW…I AM CONVICTED!

 
Acts 8:22 Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.
May 24, 2012

To Let it go…

Courage is an interesting word to stick to for a month. Life is so mundane that courage seems useless at times…and then the lesson came.

While at practice with our worship team I messed up on my finger cue’s  for the band to follow. Right after the song finished my husband calls out “STARLA! you have to pay attention to your fingers because we are following them!. “ I have heard that tone before. You know the one I am talking about …the CORRECTOR tone. All I could do short of complete implosion from embarrassment was calmly through slightly gritted teeth say “ I know. “  I got through the last to songs and went straight to the bathroom.

While passing fellow church members, who are all BTW cheerily saying “good morning!” I manage to eek out a tight lipped courtesy smile while bolting for the bathroom door. My heart was pounding. I was angry. I was in full repression of emotion. I was so afraid that if I did speak I would break like a dam and a flood of emotion would erupt. I prayed to God to help me to Let it go, “Lord help me, I forgive him, I let it go.” I walk to the mirror and my eyes tell the story. I had not let it go. It had me! I was fully in the grip!

I was suppose to get up on stage in less than a half an hour and minister to the people, allow God to flow through me. How was I going to do that when I had just put a cork in it! I was upset and now I was even upset with myself. I went to the coffee bar hoping to sip some fire of the Lord into my soul that could overcome this shadowy cloud that had just taken me over.

Then a sweet lady named Jennifer at church asked me in full sincere tone and smile “how are you doing this morning?” I look at her…blankly as the slow token words fell from my lips “ I’m good “ as I cringed in mid – sentence. She kept eye contact and that’s when it happened. I felt courage rise up in me and I said “ I’m not ok, my husband corrected me in front of everyone and I am angry, It was embarrassing!” Then the most amazing thing happened. I felt relief.     I look at her and all I could say was       “thank you!” I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. I had  – LET GO. I had always heard that statement Let go and Let God and thought ok so easier said than done. But I was totally trying to control my emotions and how people perceived me and I was failing miserably. I looked cold, disinterested, and detached. But once I let go of what I was trying to control God filled me with His joy again….and it was over.

I made a quick mental note of what had just happened and when the next situation happened where I felt like a ball of emotional repressed mess, and I was asked “ If I was tired or something?” (because they could tell I was not ok) I simple looked them in the eye and said how I was feeling… and it was over. Light-ness returned.

I found courage! During Vulnerable month I expressed great fear over speaking my feelings… God is walking me down some interesting paths of learning! Open-mouthed smile

May 3, 2012

Misunderstanding

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Robert McCloskey

This has happened to me more times than I can count…

what I meant is not what was heard.

I bet we have all had this happen to us!

I have not always heard what was meant by others either.

I try to be slow to react …to listen …to ask before I think I know what just happened. When it happens I am shocked that I am in it again. So to find the lesson is where I sit. 

This last month we talked about vulnerability and I can tell you being vulnerable is no walk in the park. It is hard and very scary. Sometimes to just say what I am thinking and feeling requires an internal propeller to get it out of my mouth. I am an introvert type. That at times doesn’t help my situation. Quiet I can do with ease. Speaking up takes a lot of effort. On top of the fact that I battle with a mind tape that plays lies to me (as we all do) mine is about saying what I think and each time it plays fear spills over into my ears through my own inner voice.

Some may say “ if they don’t get me, oh well!”  and they move on….no hurt shown, no bother, just going on their way. I on the other hand, to say that, requires me to be extremely angry, full of wretchedness and layers of grudge bearing. All of which I do not want. So that leaves me with the pain and wonder about why do I end up in situations where I feel misunderstood and with a huge need to fix it in some way.

And now that I am reflecting about it…to teach me to be who I am, speak up, and keep walking. :0) right? Wrong …to teach me to care more about others than myself and learn to connect honestly!! Misunderstanding is never one sided. Because two are involved in a misunderstanding and so two views are involved. We all do not see, think, hear, or  feel things the same way.

Now this month we are moving into a new topic called courage. For me courage is what it takes for me to connect with another person about a misunderstanding but what trips me the most is hearing the other person’s view and realizing the perception they seem to have about me. Then when I try to explain myself I get this vague feeling that they don’t believe me and that they think I am just trying to make them change. ( notice I said I feel this way and I have learned I also project that feeling -CHANGE FOR ME –don’t we all think we are privileged… Lord help me!)

Yet my goal is simple – there is a misunderstanding and I would like to take the MISS part out of the issue and find understanding. But is that how I am coming across…something to think about? I am finding it is human to want to take someone else’s MISS out of their understanding but how about mine.

We all believe what we believe no matter what anyone else says about it. We either trust or we don’t. Right? And I even question myself on this point. There was a time that I believed that people have done me wrong and no matter what they said I was going to believe they meant it the way I saw it. Period! But after years of changing friends, Hurtful separations, mistrusting others, and realizing that my faith was small and my vision was clouded. I began to ask God to help me to believe the best of other people even if what I was looking at seemed hard to believe and handle.

All layers on the same Sin that so easily besets me …

Not Fully Believing what God says about me.

–Father forgive me for this is the root of my issue.

Romans 9:8 This means that it is not the

children of the flesh who are the children of God, but the children of the promise are counted as offspring.

The enemy has my number in this area and no matter what I try or do ( yes I am a task person )  I still find him ringing my bell,  scheming and deceiving me into believing that my worth is wrapped up in what I think someone thinks about me. What about that promise?

Ultimately it isn’t what another thinks about me…after uncovering and digging into my heart issues…I find it is my own self limiting thoughts about my own worth or non-worth that causes my distress. Do I believe God’s view of me or my own, am I His or not, and this is  that which keeps showing up in my world to test me?

Lord, may I rest in you. Knowing that you have made me the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. That you have good things for me. That ultimately this too will yield good for me through the drawing of my heart to your throne. In the believing of Your promise. I ask Lord that if there are others who know this feeling and walk as I have- God I ask that you would cover them, create for them a safe place to come to your side and know that they are precious to you. That they would know, as You are also speaking to me, that YOU define us! – no matter what we think some may see. And help us to reach out to our “others” in our lives. We don’t see them clear all the time either. May we have compassion on them and be willing to hear. Let us have ears to hear God. THANK YOU! In Jesus Name. Amen.

STARLA

March 10, 2012

Don’t let perception stop u from being u

Sometimes we think we are too much or not doing things right when someone else disagrees with us. While this may be true if we are in sin….often this is applied to everyday things like if you have someone who drives on to  your property, and this person goes to fast. The way they drive makes you feel nervous about your animals being outside and you just want to say something. But then perhaps your husband thinks its no big deal. The way it comes across is that his perception is

“you are too much or being ridiculous.”  His personality is of the type that does not like to say anything, but for you not saying anything is foreign.  So because of this- you don’t say anything and you worry instead of just saying something to the driver, asking kindly to slow down.

No one is the same …

We all have different ways of doing things.

Rom. 15:22 the faith which you have ( ability to speak out) have as your own conviction ( not what another thinks or has faith enough to do) before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself ( by doing what another’s way is ) in what he approves.

Parenthesis our thoughts

Remember “we all hear/listen and speak differently” We all are different!!

God gave each of us our way –

FOR A REASON!

 

BE WHO YOU ARE!

Walk in Faith that God created you Uniquely . And step out in Faith.

 

– Starla & Tina

 

March 10, 2012

No, sit and spin

You build with concrete.

You dream with ideas.

That’s why you have to step

out on faith and move

to walk into your Dreams

 

~ Starla and Tina

Our quote – pretty good huh? lol

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